just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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