you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
