well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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