I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
