she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
