You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
