I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
