note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
