he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
