Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
