i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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