ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
