My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am one with the molecules
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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