Life is so much better after having sex.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's shark week go big or go home
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
