Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
