sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
