best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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