i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
