I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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