I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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