Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I didn't notice because vodka
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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