I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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