is your mom at the bar?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
