Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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