I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
