Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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