I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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