OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
