I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
