i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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