I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
