At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
