Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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