mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Randomize
