4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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