Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
