i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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