i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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