Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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