how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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