Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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