I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
