According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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