If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
