Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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