She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
