I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He is an equal opportunity slut.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
