Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
