I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
