First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
