Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
