wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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